Hiatus. Procrastination. Floundering. Goat fucking. Call it what you want. It all means 'what happened to writing and keeping up with your blog'.
The last two years has been a myriad of strange jobs, happiness, dark black depression,anxiety, music,dancing,alcohol and smoky times. All equating to the same thing; I still haven't got my shit together. I keep doing the same thing and expecting the a different result. This is known as insanity. I seem to excel in this particular type of denial.
Since my last post dated May 18, 2013, I have lost 4 jobs. The last one was 3 weeks ago after being unemployed for around four months. This was meant to be the one that saved me, where I would truly get my ca ca in one sock,save money,move ahead and change my goal posts. Fat chance. It only took me 2 months to fuck that up. Go me.
So here I am again. Working at a catering company doing shitty shifts. Making sandwiches between 7am to midday then coming home for a few hours and then working with them in the evening again to serve food or sling booze at functions. At least that's what's happened for the past 2 weeks. The same crap I was doing before I finally got the job I wanted at a company I wanted to work for. I guess the saying 'be careful what you wish for' applies here. We weren't a good fit. Why I thought I could ever work in call centre again is beyond me. Calling the role 'helpline consultant' doesn't make it better. Beware of weasel words. George Orwell spoke of this in 1984 and called it double speak. It's double plus bad.
I feel some power,energy,the universe or whatever is pushing me for change and for once, I want to step up and embrace this. I'm going to stop running from my problems. I have admitted to myself that I am ill. I have a brain disorder and I realise now that I have had attention deficit disorder my whole life. This week, I've put the wheels in motion to begin dealing with this. I've had my first of many counselling sessions. I'm going on medication for a while. I need borders, I need structure. I need to build a fence in my brain so that I can learn to focus on things. I need to start practicing mindfulness. I need to look after my health. I want to start doing yoga or pilates. I want to start swimming laps. I'd like to do boxing to work out,get strong and improve my hand/eye coordination. I want to start tango again. I was going regularly again but since losing my job, I've been too low to get out and do such things. It's always there and I'll go back when I'm ready.
One thing rings true- I need to be creative. I need to start learning to sew, to knit properly. To create new dishes in the kitchen. To be musical. These things don't even need to cost a lot of money. I have much room in my life for these things. I am beginning by writing. It's a talent that I've let go. So I have begun with this blog post. Perhaps if I write a a few times a week, it will strengthen to other things. Above all, I need to keep trying,to keep pursuing,to learn new things. The shift from the old to the new will be wonderful,difficult,exciting and challenging. I need to do this.
Spur me on friends.
